First Post!!!

It's really weird...writing about my life to the Internet. Anyway, this is more of a reflective blog so that I can look back on my thoughts, if that makes sense.  Today was a really big day and I am exhausted just from one long car ride to the Cancer Centre and back home. I was hoping to go to Ikea on the way home which would have been awesome...Ikea is my happy place. I don't love "things" but I love the displays at Ikea. I would secretly sleep there overnight if I didn't get caught...seriously. It would be like the movie "Mannequin" except without the Mannequins. That movie was so 80's! Back to today...well, I was nervous  about going to my appointment even though it was just a consultation and a blood test. Also, anything cancer-related reminds me of Dad. To be honest, the staff there were so upbeat and positive. I was stressing about being late but, they said, "We don't want you to even worry about stuff like that". I hate to look back on the past but I wish Dad would have gone to a state-of-the-art facility like this one. Oh well! Can't live like that. Moving on...the geneticist was so pleasant and she really made me feel at ease. Mom came in with me and she helped me with some of the family history stuff that was fuzzy. I will know in 2 months whether I carry the BRCA-1 and/or BRCA-2 mutation. I had not realized that the paternal line could pass this mutation on...I always assumed it was the mother. If I have it, I have an increased risk of getting breast and/or ovarian cancer. Since we are not sure whether my dad's mother passed away from uterine or ovarian cancer, I have asked my aunt to tell me what hospital she passed away at. The geneticist wants to see if there are any records...my aunt will have to sign a release form which I can't legally do.

 In retrospect, it's going to suck if I have this mutation but, I would rather know than be wondering. Plus, not all people who are 'positive' get cancer. At least I will be screened closely if I am. However, if I am negative, I will celebrate and have a glass of wine. There is some part of me, however, that mourns for the people on my Dad's side of the family who have inherited cancer (which include the men who got prostate cancer among others). Today's visit really made me put perspective on my life...not only did I feel empowered but I also felt how I am unable to control every single outcome in life. It's a weird feeling. Basically I have deduced that I shouldn't take any one moment for granted. Maybe that sounds cliche yet when you see people who are going for cancer treatments, you wonder what kind of deep thoughts are swirling around in their heads. Dad admitted he was "scared shitless"...that was during the last time he drove his car. It was an awkward moment...wasn't really sure what to say to that. I wasn't one to sugarcoat the facts for him...but I did tell him that I would be there if ever he wanted to talk about his thoughts...however morbid they were. Then I told  him that whatever happens, God will see him through it. When he was really bad and he knew he was going to die, he just basically told me "I'm Dead...it's my funeral tomorrow" and then he painstakingly gave me instructions about what sort of letter to type up to his clients. And it had to be on gold lined paper!  Then he asked me how to get out of his body. It was a very deep conversation. "This isn't a joke", he said. Even though I wasn't laughing. He was totally out of it yet cognizant of his family and his clients. He was more worried about how they would react and perhaps on some level he felt guilty for leaving all of us. They drugged him up so it seemed like he was not in as much pain yet, he just knew it was time for him to go. What else could such a strong soul like his do in that cancerous body?! I had a hard time coming to terms with his death for a few years yet since no miracle was going to happen, it was obviously his time to go. I don't know why he had to die so young...sometimes it still hits me like a brick. For the most part, I am at peace with his passing. Sometimes, thinking about it makes me feel like it all happened so quickly. Anyway, I totally felt his presence today in the waiting room before I was called into do the blood test. It was kind of like a 'nod'...as if he was cheering me on to get it done and out of the way. The last thing he wanted was for me to get sick like him, he said. When I got home, I got an e-mail saying I was accepted into the ECE program. Man I was elated! And I still am!!! There are so many job opportunities for ECE.  I had considered nursing but, I don't think it's meant to be. The lady who was withdrawing my blood today was opening up to me about how it can be very difficult not to show the patients that she is starting to well up with tears. She has heard so many stories (both good and unfortunate). Our conversation pretty much confirmed that I would make a horrible nurse. Taking peoples vitals is something I can do...heck I wouldn't complain about wiping people's bums for 28 dollars an hour or whatever it is.  I have thought about volunteering for the Cancer Society because I would be a great admin. assistant and I am one hell of a typist. Not to mention, it's a worthy cause. I had considered volunteering at Hospice but I just don't think I am ready for that. It will be fun working with children though...they can be a riot! Thank god I will potentially have a job where I am running around and working on my feet. Anyway, that's all for now.  I think it's time to visit my Yorkie who is all alone downstairs (poor thing!!!)